My mother was born in Pakistan my father India and they had an arranged marriage. My father came over here in 1956 and my mother followed in 1957 to reside in Newcastle where I was born.
I was brought up in a traditional Asian way – to believe I was going to have an arranged marriage.
A lot of restrictions were put on us but we never questioned them – anything our parents said we did.
At school I couldn’t understand my school mates way of life and they couldn’t understand mine – there were so many restrictions – I wasn’t allowed to go out at night or go to friends. You just accepted this as a way of life.
My friends hadn’t lived my culture and didn’t understand it.
My brothers were allowed to go out but I wasn’t to protect my name and honour - if you went out with boys you would get a reputation.
Not having a boyfriend is an honour thought very highly of in our community – it would be my father who would be given a bad name, and my chance of getting married would be very low as it was a small community.
I’ll give you an example:
When I went to school in Huddersfield, in 1st year my other friends who were Asian always wore trousers or covered their head, but my background wasn’t strict so I wore the normal uniform. I was sat down by my parents when I was 12 and told I would have to start wearing trousers as people were going round saying my father wasn’t a good man as he was letting me wear a skirt which showed my legs. I didn’t agree with it, neither did they but I had to change my dress, and that was the first time I noticed a difference……..
I had an arranged marriage. My mum went to Pakistan and told me beforehand that she had a couple of cousins who she wanted to give my hand to. When she came back she told me she had spoken to one of my dad’s cousins and he had agreed. She brought me a photo – he wasn’t very nice looking.
I just accepted it although I wasn’t really happy, but to that day I have never answered my mum back. When I did start answering her back she didn’t understand it – but she explained my father wanted me to marry inside the family not outside it………. It was a span of 7 years before we married.
Over time I just accepted it as my parents had arranged it. This was the way it used to be. Looking back I could have said no but I had always done what my parents had told me.
I was 23 when he came over – we didn’t really speak although we stayed in the same house. I was quite old for an Asian girl not to be married.
I didn’t fall in love with him but my parents told me that it happens when you are with a person. My husband was the first man who came near me. I didn’t know what it was to fancy someone……… If I’d been more experienced I wouldn’t have married him.
The marriage just lasted a short while as afterwards I found out he had wanted to marry someone else. We separated a few months later. They tried to blame me. Marriage in an Asian community, if you’re having problems isn’t easy because they try to get the community to resolve the situation – to me it was like a court martial – they would pry. They brought in people I didn’t know. The community tried to make the marriage work.
My parents were very distressed as divorce wasn’t common in these days - they were very hurt - it was the shame element.
There was a problem with your future as what chance had you of getting remarried after being divorced – you are regarded as second hand goods.
In Asian communities they don’t like to accept someone else’s child. They used to take the children from the women in spite. It was easier for the men to get remarried.
I remarried – another arranged marriage. Muslims are allowed to remarry – I was 28 at my next marriage.
I saw him a couple of times – I looked at him and he seemed ok.
My parents wanted me to meet him but his relatives didn’t want that. It was only the day after we got married I realised he only married me to get a visa because I was British born – I didn’t expect that!
It was thrown in my face by him that I had been married before, even though he had also.
I was pregnant, - they thought she’s got a business and they had their eye on that and there’s no way she’s going anywhere - we can do what we want. I have always been stubborn so I didn’t give the business to them – he didn’t work – he wouldn’t let me work as they would feel ashamed letting me work. So separation No2………….
My parents worried a lot, they thought people would be blaming me as they didn’t know what happened – it does hurt – it hurts a lot. The only good thing which came out of it all was my daughter. That’s the best thing that has happened in my life……………..
She wont have an arranged marriage but if I spot someone who is good enough for her I will recommend him but I wouldn’t force her. I’m labelled the scarlet women……………….
Asian Connections Book
